Diaries are killers!

great. i almost forgot that i actually have a blog. and of course nobody will see this as it has been ages since i blog and i can just talk crap, type singlish and say whatever i want here!!!!! i hate and love my old diaries.. the memories that it brought me. how come sadness seems to fill me more than happiness when i was so young then. miserable childhood?? not really. oh must be my stupidity then when i was young. i always tot that finding the love of my life is possible and its workable and its not a fairy tale. ok, clap for me peepz i have at least found it before. chris the man i love so deeply once told me weeks back that he is getting out of that place. i empathise with him but its not possible to ever be back with him again.. y? because my feelings have faded in these 5 years without him? because i start to love myself more? im not so stupid anymore to believe in him?? sigh... honestly i think its just fruitless because i have moved on. these 5 yrs has been peaceful i guess. well definitely ups and downs is inevitable. however life do not seem as miserable as to the extent that i almost cut my wrist to end my life like 5 yrs ago!

met many guys after u chris.. many are nice, and eligible.. i still stick to mike. sometimes i wonder was it the feeling of guilt and gratefulness that got me married to him. do anybody beleive in love can be nurtured? i guess mine was. till today im still married to him and he has been good i would say. however till this day i still cannot totally erase chris off my mind. human are humans ya.. we all have our share of our past and memories.. the pain may be gone.. the tears may be dried up.. even so my feelings for u have faded away, but our memories together have been too "ke gu ming xin" to forget. the tears that almost fill up the dry well and the pain you and i went thru.. how can i forget...

mike is good to me, he dotes on me as well. except his temper and his poor financial management.. i guess im still happily married in that sense. of course i can go for rich man just that its not me. i look for sincerity, loving, caring and many others that has got to do with the inner self and not the wealth. chris can be such a bastard and yet i can love him with all my guts and courage and with my life and soul.. the diary that i read tonight is all about him. our nepal days.. those times that i gave him my sweater to warm him up.. put lip balm for him every moment to heal and soothens his cracked lips.. hug him when he is shivering.. kiss him when he was asleep.. Jun always and keeps saying how fortunate he is to have me as a girlfriend.. pretty and caring.. so what if i am great.. till the end of the day.. he chose the other way. i dont blame him.. okay well! sometimes i do.. however i blame him is because he keeps pulling me on.. giving me hopes and dashed it again and again. when i want to give up, he refuses.. i sank in deeper and deeper till i can withstand seeing him hugging and drinking with other woman.. i still waited for him to finish and then drag him to the car and sent him back. what kind of woman am i.. downright stupid and idiotic?! ppl may think i am. which i think i am as well la back then. but its because of the love i had for him then was so strong and determined that i do and withstand anything that comes along.

corrine may's songs never failed to make me think of him.. every song from her makes me think of chris.. think. but not miss. get that right! i guess i dun miss him anymore.. neither do i want to have anything to do with him ever again. that is too scary a thought.. the times that i refuses to eat and trying to starve myself for almost 48 hrs was crazy. was definitely not thinking straight that i wanted to end my life. from my memories i remember it was mike who consoled me... and martin who insist to drag me out of house and to force some food into my mouth. i caused pain to my parents too especially my mum.. she knows im very hurt.. as i type.. i kinda recall back those hurt and pain in my heart that tears seems to swell up in my eyes. i was silly then. i will never let myself be so silly again. well i will at least try. i do not dare to love so deeply anymore.. because i know i cant fall down again and if i ever do once more, im afraid i will never climb up. chris i do not understand why you got to tell me that u are leaving. its ur own problem u know.. but yet i cant stop feeling sorry for u.. and wanting to console u.. yet what the heck man.. look at what u did to me.. F! im just so softhearted!

Blogging Again?

am i blogging again? Yesh! my brain is feeling tired and lazy, refusing to focus on my assignments which are due tommorow 2359, but i dun resist starting to type into this blog.. =P motivated by my friend, gracie on her love blog set up to tell her love story. i start to feel sick and tired of studying.. argh and i dread to have this feeling because i have another 2 and a half more years to go. oh work is bad today. All kinds of unreasonable, illogical people pointing fingers at anybody but themselves. that evil side of human beings, arent most of us familiar with. why cant i just dun care and act blur. sigh. i cant i guess because its just not right to ignore. argh! sometimes i wish i dun even have to speak a word in off.

Im disappointed

Sighh... i dunnoe what to say. But just felt that i dun really have strong determination. Or when faced with something upsetting, i just can't help feeling lost and depressed.

Anyway talk about positive things.. Lately work have been quite peaceful, although have to help support 2-3 more RMs due to many colleagues on leave, but still manageable. And today had 2 very nice sugar rolls..   Brightens up my day.

Bought 4D, try my luck cuz i dreamt yesterday.. results came out, i missed 3 numbers. sigh... i just dun have the luck for this kind of money, i guess i just have to work very hard for my  money.. can't wait for bonus to come, so many things that i want to do this year. All needs $. Studying la, learning piano la, going diving in Similans in March, with my dearest girlfriends, von, tess and gracey.. im so excited and so looking forward. Miss diving with them so much.. What else, oh bringing my parents to holiday in Feb. hmmm... promised them already, i shall keep it. ALl these years also never kept my promise, this year must! All these stresses me quite abit. Now got to do abit of calculation.

Good day or a bad day??

All the way from last night 6pm untill now, i have tolerated not touching it anymore and despite lots of temptations from Tania and even ah beng when i see him after work... its quite torturing. From early morning, my mouth have been munching non-stop, sweets, chocolates, drinks, basically anything to put into my mouth to curb my urge. Whoa and i think this is going to be a very serious weight putting on problem. Yup i better stop munching!! argh. what other better ways to curb it eh?  hehe.. but im glad i did it. hehe, i managed to control and not give in to temptations.

Oh and this morning, i woke up extra early thinking that i must not miss my bus again, if not will have to take feeder bus and then change to train and squeeze with all the ppl, man, women, students, fat, thin, argh. hate this feeling of being squeezed in the train. And guess what, i still missed the bus, reason being is i hurt my fingers, that caused me to just fall flat on my bed and whine for a whole of probably 15mins. Ouch! its god damn painful. well, i seldom whine or wail at cuts etc, except that this cut was really quite deep and its just so dump of me to hurt it by slamming my wardrobe door at my fingers. ok yup thats unforgiveable dumbness. haizz...

Anyway beside the torturing day of not puffing and finger in pain, someone have been in my mind and causes my heart to ache at times when i have to pretend and hide and he have to do the same. I guess this is really somebody special to me, somebody i would want to keep for life. Probably not fated enough to be together, or the timing just not right, still a somebody i would always remember and hope to have the same old times with again. but i guess its all over and its not possible. Probably thats the easier way out for him and less hurting. I'll respect that and i will understand. Though i can't hide away this feeling of sadness and "Yi Han". Anyway deep down my heart i will be praying for this special someone to find the happiness that he deserves and all the worlds' best for him.

Goodnite.

2006, What are my resolutions...

To all my dearest friends out there... A very very happy new year to everybody, hope that this greeting is not too late.  It has been ages ever since i last blogged, just recovered from gastric pain... awww..  and just read a friend's blog, baka grace'. By the way, Grace i want to tell you something and to all my other friends who loves and cares for me.. im quitting being a walking ashtray! Starting from 6pm today. Its just a sudden decision of mine and someone special. Its not that easy i guess, Grace would understand huh.. a very bad habit for more than 3 yrs.. hmmm.. but never mind, i'll be strong. hehe.. soon i will become even sweeter, less pimples and whiter teeth.. keke...  

Anyway year 2005 is gone, and looking back it has contained alot of memories for me, amazing changes in my life. Drama mama scenarios as well. ~phew im so glad all that are over (i meant the negative ones). Too much for me to bear in just a year. Anyway here's the list of all the beautiful things that had happened in my life in year 2005 and drop the negative of course. Got this idea from tania... hehee.. to list it all down in blog and to share it with my dear friends.

1. Completed my Divemaster course. To be able to dive, its such a blessing.

2. Started on a new job ( considered positive la though dun really seem so now)

3. Met alot of friends in my new job environment - especially certain few that found a place in my heart. True friends.

4. Finally had a birthday cake for my birthday (had none in yr 2004), 2005 had two lovely bdae cakes, Thank you, you know who you are.

5. Met someone so special and wonderful that changes my whole concept about the non- existence of true love. Patiently waiting.

6. Had my first candle light dinner. (in prompt to though)

7. Danced to the music of Corinne may all night. Magical.

8. Met another special person that is so sweet & romantic, that surprises me so much with the lovely sound of the violin & the smell of beautiful flowers that never fails to bring a smile to my face.

9. Still have my parents and my brother. My family.

10. My dear Jenn and Rac still the bestest sisters i have ever got.

9. My dearest darling yvonne, never gave up on me. You know dear i can never tell you how grateful i am to have you around.

11. My lovely friends, tessa, grace, eileen, gary, jones, lawrence, still as happy & bubbly and i simply adore their company. They have all been so nice to me.. and of course to tessa and grace, i won't forget what i have promised you.

12. Had a great time at Ritz Carlton with my slumber pals, and its so great to have them around. a bunch of lovely and happy ppl.

13. Realized that there are still many ppl who cares for me and loves me. I am fortunate.

14. Tasted the Sakura Jelly. (very sweet) Thank you Jeff. Had a lot of great memories with you and all the best to you. May you find love in a way that you can never imagined and may happiness be with you always.

15. Finally the amazing trip to Nepal. Simply Awesome. With someone special and that probably makes all the difference.

whoa~~ i cant seem to list all the happie things that had happened last year, but these are the few main ones that im really really happy and thankful about. Now comes year 2006. My resolutions, goals and hope for this year :

1. Im starting on my degree course in June.

2. I found the love of my life, i prayed that we will have the strength and the faith to move forward together.

3. Im finally going to start fulfilling one of my childhood dreams... Im going to learn playing piano.

4. Quit smoking. Today from 6pm onwards. scary goal indeed. Hope to have the determination that will last me through.

5. Concentrate on my career and start working towards earning the income i desire.

6. To bring my family to the Kelong, a short relaxing holiday in Feb.

7. To continue cherishing my dearest friends and praying that all of them will be happy and healthy.

~thats about all i guess. Late already. This coming week is going to be really busy i guess with so many ppl taking leave. Goodnite!